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Martini Drunk by ~hoshikaze:iconhoshikaze:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Narrative > Fixed


Martini drunk on the carousel
one sip two gulps and begin
zombie steps on the road to hell

in a handbasket with a silver bell.
one stop two rings and when
another's visits start to smell

of unfaithful lust but "shh" don't tell
one drink two bodies and sin
sows doubt and shatters the shell

built when he found the cheap motel.
one rap two knocks and women
never can conceal the swell

of a belly round with a fertilized cell.
one chance two mistakes and then
divorce papers here. how fast we fell

from love to drink to fare thee well.
one smile two tears and again
Martini drunk on a carousel
zombie steps on this road to hell.
©2005-2009 ~hoshikaze
:iconhoshikaze:

Author's Comments

this loosely follows the villanelle form. it was fun to write, but a pain to revise. and revise. and revise. *^_^*

Comments


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:iconfunkmeister-z:
~Funkmeister-Z May 13, 2005, 11:17:48 PM
No idea what the "villanelle form" is, but this has me interested. Very evocative and- and that's about about as far as my knowledge of poetry goes. Good job, though.

--
IN UR INTERNET, FAGGIN IT UP
:iconirot:
~irot May 14, 2005, 10:10:13 AM
This is a very original poem I'll say. It sounds like a creepy, old folktale put to a song to scare people, and it's very well done! Your rhyming and composition is very nice.:)

--
[link]
Mm...prints.

If you are a Mana or generally Jrock lover join the wonderful Mana-loving club *macheri!
:iconhoshikaze:
~hoshikaze May 14, 2005, 10:22:11 AM
thank you. *^_^* i usually don't write rhyming poetry, so it was a stretch for me. but a good one, i think.

*curtsies*

~hoshi
:iconlizzys:
=Lizzys May 14, 2005, 10:23:25 AM
Wow, awesome piece, I love the structure and flow with the middle line in each stanza following the same pattern, very creative and nicely done!

--
"A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid."

Founder of =Space-Club
:iconhoshikaze:
~hoshikaze May 14, 2005, 10:28:20 AM
thank you. ^_^ the villanelle form is very cyclical, and since i didn't follow it exactly... i used the second line in each stanza to create a different circular feel. once i found the poem's rhythm, it was actually pretty fun to work on.

(but horrible to revise. oi. you change one thing and you pretty much have to change everything. i'll stop ranting about that some day.)

thanks for stopping by! ^_^

~hoshi
:iconlizzys:
=Lizzys May 14, 2005, 10:29:51 AM
:D Awesome, I haven't written any poetry in a while, but i still remember the whole revising thing - especially with rhyming so i understand your rants hehe. You're quite welcome! :)

--
"A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid."

Founder of =Space-Club
:icongaux-gaux:
~gaux-gaux May 15, 2005, 6:11:00 PM
oooh i could totally hear this as a hot song. I love poetry, but it hard for me to comment on it cuz I have no experience with it ^^ but from what i see it's very good. I like your rhyme scheme on this one

--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confucius say, "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
:iconkth-dragon:
~Kth-dragon May 15, 2005, 7:19:42 PM
This is definitely a creepy poem, but very true. Definitely paints a vivid picture without leading the reader by the nose. I really like the form you used; the double cycle is quite interesting, very unique (at least as far as I've seen). I can see how this one would be a major pain to revise.... writing poetry to form is easy and difficult at the same time. >..<

--
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons: though you taste terrible, they're willing to bear it to be rid of the nuisance.

Captain of ST email RP USS Wyvern. Feel free to look and/or join. We love visitors!
:iconhoshikaze:
~hoshikaze May 15, 2005, 9:42:34 PM
hot song... interesting. ^_^

as for not having experience with poetry... well... i don't have much experience with visual arts either. *^_^* in a way sometimes that's good, because i look at pictures from the average-joe perspective, and just say if i like it or not. *grin* the same principle applies to poetry, i think. you don't have to be a pro to know if you like something or if you don't.

of course, not everyone will like every piece. but comments are helpful, both good and bad. so don't fear! i'll comment ignorantly on your artwork and you can comment ignorantly on my poetry. it's a perfect match! ^_^

~hoshi
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